On Getting Kicked Out & “Fitting Out”

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Most of us just want to find a place, a space and a group of people to fit in with. As a lifelong hermit, not fitting in is basically in my DNA. Having spent most of my childhood and a large part of my adult life wondering why the hell people didn’t like me, why I always felt ostracized in groups, made fun of, and repeatedly told I was too much, I feel like I have become (or perhaps am still working on becoming) an expert in the art and maintenance of “fitting out”.

What I’m discovering is that having people, pets and places around me that make me feel seen, loved and heard is not necessarily the same thing as “fitting in” with societal standards and it’s also not the same as being misunderstood and not liked.

Getting Kicked Out

It’s never been easy for me to fit in. My rising sign is in Aquarius, the rule breaker. The seer of difference, the visionary who is able to hold a different, new perspective. Many times, my perspectives have gotten me into trouble. They’ve gotten me fired or ostracized. This always upset me much more than I wanted it to. I wanted to be able to get over these issues with a greater sense of ease but my deep desire to feel seen and understood always got in the way.

I didn’t know how to be both a rebel as well who is often misunderstood while also knowing that I do have people and communities in my life who see me for who I am, don’t judge me, are kind and sensitive.

“Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History” - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

I didn’t know until recently that it was possible to be loved and also misunderstood. These two things can simultaneously be true. But because the narrative of being a bad person had been so ingrained in me as the child of trauma, when I did get fired, kicked out of a group, or ostracized from a community I would retreat feeling ashamed and embarrassed, thinking that this made me a bad person. But now, I know that this difference doesn’t make me bad. It just means these other people do not hold the same perspective as I do. And that’s ok.

I’ve been learning to live in the neutrality of self acceptance, learning to love myself even when I am made to feel different by others.

This week I was removed from a community I joined a few months ago to help me work on my business, build community and network. It came a shock, just something totally out of left field. I’d go to weekly meetings sitting in rooms with people who I thought understood me and were open to me as person. Getting kicked out of this community was a slap in the face.

It pointed me back to the parts of myself that I have been working so hard to accept this year. The parts that many others have always criticized me for, the parts that the leader of this community judged me for and essentially kicked me out for. I was livid at first. I was angry and most of all I was so sad. I cried for a good 12 hours or so.

Then, I stopped crying. I decided to own up to the fact that accepting myself as someone who doesn’t usually fit in, who has felt like a reject for most of her life and who has often been left out is the most radical way I can love myself.

There is strength in not fitting the status quo. People who fit the mold, don’t often make big changes in the world. “Well behaved women seldom make history” and I assume many are often criticized, ostracized and left out.

So, I decided to stop judging myself for being me. For being “too much”. For talking too much. For being too loud. For not always waiting my turn to speak. For being too emotional. For being too sensitive.

I’m deciding to turn off the radar gun I point at myself whenever someone makes me feel different and just continue walking my own path without giving any fucks about what they think.