Cranberry Pecan Breakfast Cake

Let’s Break This Myth

There is a myth that trauma is inherently difficult to heal so why even start if you’re only going to disappoint yourself. This couldn’t be the farther from the truth. Let me tell you a story.

When I was a little girl, I learned how to manage pain using food. Binging quickly became my drug of choice for the next 30-some-odd years. I remember sitting and eating dinner with my family and then stopping when I became full and could no longer eat but was constantly made to keep consuming more. “Keep eating, keep eating” “Кушай Кушай” and then food was shoved down my throat regardless of how I felt.

If I refused, I was forced. If I refused even more, I was yelled at, belittled and called names. I learned to try to finish my plate, eat everything and thensome. Doing this for so long, I eventually completely lost sight of my inner guidance system, my own intuition and my ability to decide if I wanted to eat or not.

Over time, more trauma contributed to the full development of my disordered eating habits and I struggled to understand how my body worked at all at one point. This was when I lived in Astoria, in Queens, NY for about two years circa 2013 during which time I was at the height of my disordered eating. By the time I had moved back to my family’s home, I had started developing autoimmune issues and with very little accessible information or resources available on gut health, trauma and PTSD, I waited for years trying various protocols and diets all to help me heal.

I had been in therapy for years prior but none did the job I needed them for which was to heal my trauma. Eventually, I started working with my current coach and saw firsthand the power of true support and care. I truly am not sure I would be alive without them. Yet still, when my coach Leoh, first suggested that my autoimmune issues, my binging and my PMDD were the result of trauma and that I was malnourishing myself or malabsorbing my food, I completely denied it not wanting to go back to the pain of childhood to remember or process the things that were so hurtful.

I thought back to all the times when I’d eat an entire box of cookies or downed more than half a jar of peanut butter and spent the entire night with a stomach ache. Breakfasts like this Cranberry Pecan Cake would be consumed in one go allowing me to completely escape into my own toxic fantasy world which further created the myth in my mind that I was still being healthy even though I was binging daily. And while some of the foods I was eating were healthy, binging an entire jar of peanut butter was not and those were the kinds of habits I maintained for a very long time.

Learning to accept support, take in advice and do hard things has become much easier and now feels much safer that I have learned to sit in and feel my own body again. It wasn’t easy but it also wasn’t anything like I was afraid it was going to be.

Don’t sit in fear like I did. Take the plunge now and just freakin start!